Entry one: This Pain
© Written By: Kat - Wandering Star Resource
Dear Diary Ė December 14, 2009,
This is my first diary entry, and I wanted to start out with a little story. A story that most of you may have heard some of you may not. This is a story about my life and some of the drama that goes into it. I swore to myself I wouldnít get into another relationship like the last. Long distance relationships just donít work out very often and trust me Iíve been in two of them. I had spent five months trying to finally get over my first ex-boyfriend. Trying to forget the way that he had treated me. Wondering if he ever even loved me. Wondering if he actually saw the relationship going somewhere or if I just read too much into it.
Hello, my name is Mira Donavan, and this is the story of my life. Well the last two years of it any ways. I first met my first boyfriend Rick back in August of 2007. He seemed like a very sweet guy. At that time we started out as friends. We hardly talked and only really saw each other through mutual friends.
But it wasnít till December when I really started to develop feelings for him. I kept it a secret for a while. I only told my best friend who was like a brother to me, even though I only knew him for a short while. But he and I had hung out a lot and talked quite often. And I grew to think of him like an older brother. Of course he loved to tease me about it just like an older brother would do as if we were little kids. This is the story of how it all started.
When I was sixteen, I started hanging out with this big group of friends that I knew from my school. I had also met my best friend who I consider to be my big brother. I am still good friends with Mike to this day and I still think of him as my brother.
All of my friends that I always hung out with were all a nice bunch of people. Well at least they were when I had first met them. Except for one guy named Karl, he was about fourteen and was very immature. He was very whinny about every little thing and complaining about some thing twenty-four, seven.
I am still not sure why most of them hung out with him. Most of them couldnít hardly stand him either. I tried to stay away from him as much as I could. I had also tried to stay away from Kevin, he was quite annoying as well, Iím not entirely sure why. Just some thing about his voice, the way he talked annoyed me. And he talked way too much and wouldnít leave me alone with I asked him to.
William was a nice guy, but he had said some nasty things about my brother Mike. It didnít make either of us too happy. And he ended up calling me a bad name one day. I had been in a bad mood that day from school and was having a low tolerance day. Now normally I can take a joke, but because I was in a bad mood I was not in the mood to joke around. And he kept joking with me and annoying me. I had asked him nicely to quit and he continued to do it. After I had asked him nicely to stop the third time he didnít. And I ended up going off on him and yelling at him. And he got mad and called me a bad name in which I wonít repeat.
Now Doug, he was another one that I stayed away from a lot. Doug was kind of mean. He always had some thing wrong with him, he was always mad about some thing. And would take it out on us for no reason at all. We never really figured out why he was like he was. I even remember telling a couple of my friends about it. Asking them if they knew why he was the way he was. I have honestly no idea why I had been a friend with half of these people most of them treated me bad, or were annoying. Oh well on with the story.
I can remember one of the times when Doug was very rude to me. I was hanging out with Mike, at this point Mike had been fed up with every one and the stuff that they had been doing and saying. And so Mike went his own little way and stopped hanging out with them. And they really werenít too happy with it.
I remember one of the times when I was hanging with Mike, Karl and Kevin found out and had been talking to the others. Well Doug, the guy whoís always got something to get mad about, he wasnít too happy with Mike at the moment. He and every one else were quite angry with me because I wasnít spending time with them. Which was quite stupid because I was allowed to have other friends outside of them. I was allowed to have a life.
What I am still mad about to this day is, Doug had the nerve to tell me they were more important then Mike was. Not in those exact words but I can read between the lines and I figured out what he really meant. It actually made me cry when he told me that. I wanted to say to him that Mike was more of a friend then you people will ever be.
Prior to that moment they had been treating me like a ghost, most of the time they would go do some thing with out me. They would never include me in any thing. Or if I was hanging out with them and I walked out of the room for a moment, they would decide to go do some thing and leave with out telling me. Which Iím sure you can understand how that made would make me very upset but Iíll leave that story for another time.
Anyways back to the story of my ex-boyfriend.
I finally got up the guts to tell him how I felt about him. This was in January of 2008. Well actually it wasnít me who told him. My friend Mike had pushed me into telling him. He kept picking on me asking if I had a crush on any one. He had finally figured it out, and figured out that it had been Rick who I had a crush on. And he then picked on me telling me he was going to tell Rick that I had a crush on him. Of course he had given me his word he wouldnít and he never did. Mike was very good at that, when he gave you his word he would keep it. That was how I knew I could trust Mike.
I then decided to tell Mike that it was ok to tell him because I was too shy to tell him my self. That was one of the things I had always hated about my self. Well it turned out he liked me as well. We dated for five months, and every thing seemed so perfect for the first three. He was so sweet, funny, and just made me so happy. Until one day he started to change into some one else. He started to avoid me and act as if I wasnít there; he stopped talking to me as much. He wouldnít even say hi to me, even if I said hi first. He would ignore me as if I was a ghost. But I stayed with him for two more months. And I dealt with it, I was sixteen I was young and I was stupid.
He seemed like the perfect guy even if he was acting like a jerk. He seemed like the type of guy any girl would want to be with. When I was with him I felt different. I donít know how to explain the feeling I had. It wasnít love or at least thatís what I think now. At the time I didnít know it but I had falling in love with the most perfect guy after that. So I know now what Iíd felt for my ex was nothing but a simple crush.
Finally in the middle of May he up and left me. Now I donít mean he broke up with me. I mean he up and left with out a single word as to why or where he was going. He never told any of our friends where he was going. And I continued to worry where he was and if I would ever see him again. I kept thinking did he get killed? Is he out there with another girl? Did I read more into the relationship then he did?
Two months after any one had last heard from him he logged on to his messenger. That was how I kept in contact with most of my friends from school. He was talking all sweet and acting as if he never did any thing wrong. He acted as if he hadnít just disappeared for two months with out a word. And he had the nerve to think that I would be okay and just take him back. He even sat there and called me honey, which irritated me. I was so shocked that he was there in front of me.
For two months I went over and over in my head about what I wanted to say to him when I saw him again. But the only thing I could do was sit there and stare at his message window. I never saw him again after that. Never got an, ĎIím sorryí from him, never got a call or a text from him. No emails, or IMís from him. And he never said the words ĎI want to break upí. But I figured if he loved me he would try and make things work. But I guess he never loved me or never saw this relationship going any further then what it was.
I spent five months trying to get over him. Because everything that I saw on TV or heard on the radio reminded me of him, I hid everything from my family. They wouldnít have approved of the relationship. He was four years older then I was. And at the time I was only sixteen and he only twenty. I know that they would never have liked him. For reasons I wonít bore you with now.
I hid the way I was feeling from them. I felt so depressed I wanted to lie down and not wake up for a very long time. I didnít feel like doing any thing, I hardly felt like getting up out of bed. But I had to; I had to continue on with my life. I couldnít let some jerk ruin my life. My friends always told me ďThere are other fish in the seaĒ or ďGod never closes a door with out opening anotherĒ or ďEvery thing happens for a reasonĒ. But none of that makes this pain any easier.
I finally found a method that worked for me. Iíve always been the type that canít deal with emotional pain very well. But I can deal with anger a lot easier. So I found a way to blame every thing on him. It was quite easy because every thing was his fault. The relationship failed because he was a jerk. I gave him every thing; I waited for him day in and day out. I stayed with him even after he had treated me like I didnít exist. And he had the nerve to walk out on me like he did.
I then became quite angry with him and slowly started to numb out the anger. I finally became numb to every thing; I wouldnít say I was depressed. But I hardly felt any thing; all I could feel was contentment. I didnít feel angry any more, I didnít feel sad over him. But when I was happy I wasnít truly happy. I donít know if any of that makes sense to any one. But that is how I felt, and I felt that way for about four months.
May 3, 2009
After finally getting over my ex-boyfriend and losing all my old friends, For so many reasons I do not want to get into right now. A friend of mine sent me a text message one day, she was one of my friends Iíd met once I went back to school for my last year in high school. She and I had talked every single day and hung out when ever we could.
She was telling me about what another one of her friends had said about me. She told me she had been talking to him and he told her that he liked me. He didnít go to my school he was a friend of her family. And he had told her that he thought I was quite attractive. I was smiling so much my face started to hurt. I never really met him, never even talked to him much before. I had seen him around a few times but never really talked to him. A couple of days later on the fifth she gave me his phone number so I could talk to him. He and I talked for quite a long time. That night we talked till almost three Oíclock in the morning.
He was so sweet, and funny. He seemed to be every thing Iíve ever looked for in a guy. It seemed to be perfect, a match made in heaven from the start. Love at first sight as people always say. And I truly think it was. I had never felt this way before; I never felt the way I did with this guy with any other guy Iíd met. Not even for my ex boyfriend Rick. What I felt for Jared was some thing different, some thing new. Some thing I had never felt about any one before.
Jared and I dated for a full eight months. And the first five seemed perfect. He and I would stay up late talking about any thing we could think of. But in the end things changed. But before I get to that I will tell you how it all started.
I can still remember all the sweet things he said to me. And I can remember some of the cheesy stuff he used to say. I think that was one of the best parts. But it still pains me to think about it, to sit and read all the messages, emails and texts he would send me. It pains me to remember what his voice sounds like and what he looks like when I would watch him on web cam. I tell my best friend who set us up that Iím fine.
When inside I am really dying. I have tried so hard not to think about him and to just let him go. But then I start thinking about all of the stuff we used to do. And all the stuff we had planned, and I think about all the stuff I wanted to do with him.
Back in May a couple weeks after he and I met. He almost broke up with me because of the long distance thing. He said he couldnít do it and wouldnít let me make the decision to leave my family to move up there with him. But I kept telling him I would and I already have. I wanted to be with him and if moving away from my home and my family was what I had to do. I was going to do it no matter what any body said. Iíve always been afraid of high places and of flying. But I was willing to over come any fear for him.
And then about a week after that it was the same story. Him telling me he was too old for me even though he was seven years older then I was. I never saw a problem with it; a lot of people never saw a problem with it. I was only seventeen at the time about to turn eighteen. I didnít see how it was that big of a deal. I loved him and wasnít willing to lose him over some thing so stupid as age or long distance.
He always said he never wanted to hurt me or see me hurt. But yet almost every thing he did hurt me. At least every thing he did with in the last 3 months of our relationship hurt me. I remember when he was so sweet, and so respectful of me and the things I believed and my wishes. And as I sit and tell this story Iím fighting back my tears. I am fighting back the heartache Iíve been put though for the last 3 months. In July he disappeared for 3 weeks, every day I worried whether or not he was okay or not. I kept wondering if he was ever coming back. He finally did and told me it was because he had moved and was with out his Internet. I decided to just let it go and was just happy that he was finally back. But I couldnít help but wonder why he couldnít just call me or find another way to contact me? But I try not to think about it too much, because that was a while ago and itís not a big deal any more.
Through the end of July, and all of August and though the first half of September every thing was fine. Every thing seemed to be back to normal. Until his sister did some thing stupid which made him angry. And he took it out on me, saying he was tired of just sitting there bored because I was not talking. My ĎBrotherí Mike dose the same thing to me. Its like am I always the one that has to come up with some thing to say? I tried to think of things to say, and I tried to talk but he didnít seem to be interested. I learned from being friends with Mike that when some one is mad to just leave them alone and let them cool off. I didnít want to irritate him even more and make him go off on me. Lot of good that did me, he still went off on me. Even though he apologized the next day, it still makes me a bit angry.
And on a totally different subject, I cannot remember on which argument this came from. My most favorite thing to do is to write songs and poems. It is like a kind of therapy for me it helps me feel better. And I had written a few songs about Jared. But one thing he said to me was that he didnít believe that the songs I wrote were mine. And I know this was a while back and I should let it go. I can never let any thing like that go. When some one tells me they donít think that a drawing, or a song is really mine. It makes me mad. Like they donít expect me to have any kind of talent. And I donít know why he said it, why he felt as if they werenít my songs. I still wish I know why he thought I had stolen those songs. His excuse was that the way I write my lyrics are different from the way I actually talk. Which dose not makes any sense; most songwriters talk differently then how they write their songs.
In one of our many arguments he was trying to break up with me. And I had kept trying to change his mind and telling him I didnít want to lose him. He told me that ĎYou arenít afraid to lose me, youíre afraid of being aloneí. Maybe not in those exact words but pretty much thatís what he said.
I got to say this first, who isnít afraid to be alone? I mean I am still quite young and I do still have a full life a head of me. But I am afraid of being alone and always being alone. Because of the way guys see me. Guyís donít like me as more then a friend they donít see me as more then ĎJust one of the guysí. Heck even my Ďbrotherí Mike has said that at one point.
So who isnít afraid of being alone? And secondly its not that I was afraid of being alone. It was because I loved him with ever fiber of my being. More then I can possibly explain. He was my first love the only man I ever loved. The only man I ever actually said ĎI Love youí to. And those 3 little words are not easy for me to say. I was afraid of losing him because I loved him. Because I still love him, even after he broke up with me two weeks ago.
I donít know it doesnít really matter all that much any more. Maybe I should just move on to the next part of my story. As I was saying some where in September Jared disappeared again. This time he disappeared for a month. Every day I worried about him. Bad thoughts kept running though my head. Thoughts about maybe he could be dead. Or maybe he is cheating on me, or what if this whole thing was a lie and he never really truly loved me.
I kept thinking what if heís never coming back, what if he just dose not love me any more. And one of my thoughts was almost true. He came back and he told me some thing that I never expected him to say. Well I mean a part of me kind of did, but I didnít. If any of that makes sense. He told me he thought of never coming back, he went into the same excuse mode heíd been using since the day we met. He was complaining about the age difference and about the long distance between us. How he felt he was too old for me. And he was complaining how he didnít want me to make the decision to leave my family just to go live with him.
My heart broke right then and there, and it hasnít been repaired since. I had a horrible flash back to my ex boyfriend. Remember? He up and left me, just walked away with out telling me where he was going or why. And how long it took me to get over him. I nearly cried when he told me that. And I hardly remember the rest of that night. The next thing I remember is he was gone again. Again this time he was gone for a month.
In October he came back and told me why he was gone. He said it was because he needed time to think. He needed time to decide if this relationship was what he wanted. And once again he was back in the same excuse mode heíd been in just a month before. But this time around he told me he wouldnít disappear again. And stupid me I believed him. I believed every word that he told me. A month later he sends me an email telling me his car broke down and he had to have his phone and his net shut off.
He also said he would send me an email that next Monday telling me a bit more of whatís been going on. I never got that email and three weeks later it was over. He finally broke up with me. His exact word were ĎIím done waiting. Iím not up for it any more. I want more then words on a screen telling me to keep waiting.í He said that because I told him I had to wait to meet him cause I needed to get done with my schooling. I waited for a month and three weeks to tell him about what he was doing was hurting me. I was sleep deprived, I was stressed and depressed. I cried my self to sleep so many nights wondering if he was ever coming back. The same thoughts kept crawling back into my head. Is he cheating? Dose he still love me? Did he ever really love me? Was this all just a lie in some sick game? Is he still even alive any more? The night he broke up with me, later on I sent him a text message asking if it was over. And I never heard back from him.
I cried myself to sleep for three hours. And I just sat there in my bed looking up at the ceiling for an hour till I finally dozed off. The next day I felt so horrible, I didnít want to get out of bed. I wanted to die. I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved him with ever fiber of my being. And when he left a part of me did die. My heart is still broken, December 14th I am doing better. I am not going to lie and say it doesnít hurt. Because it dose, Iím not going to say I donít miss him or still love him. Because I do and a part of me always will, forget about Rick, Jared was my first love. The first guy I ever loved, the first guy that ever truly made me happy, when he wasnít trying to break up with me.
He was the first guy I ever said those three little words to. And now? I donít know what to do; I have put on a facade with my family and my friends. They never knew about him, they see a happy girl on the outside. But inside I am really dying and it feels like a slow death. And there is nothing I can do about it. No one that I can talk to that hasnít already heard the story and gotten fed up with hearing it. They got tired of telling me the same things over and over again.
So now as I sit here telling you my story, and am trying my method of healing. Trying to blame every thing on Jared. When reality is, heís not the only one to blame. I blame my self for some of the things Iíve done. I blame myself for getting started in this relationship. Not that I regret any of it, I just mean I regret putting him though all of this knowing that it might not work out. I am still young and stupid, and I let my feelings get in the way. Instead of listening to his and trying to see it from his point of view. I donít know if he is hurting like I am. Truth is, I hope heís not. I want him to be happy even if that means itís not with me. I just hope that some day I will find some one thatís better for me. And hope that I find some thing that will actually work out.
~ I wish you well, Jared. Hope you are doing better with this break-up then I am. I still love you and miss you. And a part of me always will because you were my first love.
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